What Not to Say to a Woman!

"You're wearing that to work?"

The room went silent.  Heads turned.  Every eye focused on me and waited for my reaction.  My eight year old's eyes went wide with expectation.  He knew his daddy had messed up big.

And, yes, I began to rant.

"What do you mean, am I wearing this to work?  Of course I am.  What's wrong with what I'm wearing?  Do you mean to say that I look bad in it?  Does it make me look fat?  I can't believe you would say that?  You are supposed to be supportive and encouraging, not critical and judgmental." And I went on...and on. And my voice crescendo'ed.  Everyone in the room seemed to shrink.

My husband stood there, mouth slightly open, arms partially out to his side, palms facing forward in his "what just happened" stance.  After eleven years of marriage you would think he would have figured out what to say and what not to say to his wife.  He sincerely looked clueless.  

My seven and eight year old boys, however, knew instantly that he had said the wrong thing.  It's like they were born with a sensitivity that grown men are lacking. Lucky for their dad, the oldest one lessened the tension in the room when he mimicked his older buddies and said, "ahh, snap!"  But seriously, are men born with a sensitivity to females and then lose that understanding when they become adults?  My young boys respond with kindness and gentleness to our twin girls, but are rough and often insensitive to their guy friends.  I wonder if that will change as they get older, if they will gradually morph into a mass of male insensitivity.

Yes, I do know that all men are not insensitive.  My father was not. 

The insensitive male is a stereotype.  I am aware of this.

There are biological, psychological, physiological, all other kinds of 'logical differences between men and women that set both genders up for inevitable failure.  There remains a need for men and women to actively seek understanding about how men and women interact, think, feel, etc.  Different needs often dictate different behaviors, not all negative.  I don't want my husband to act like a woman.  So why do I overreact when he fails to respond like a female would?

A successful male/female relationship, as my children are learning from watching their silly mom, depends on a balance between understanding typical gender differences and a sensitivity to the needs of our partner.  Let me also acknowledge that every guy is unique and many are naturally sensitive and caring and understanding, and every girl is also unique with qualities that sometimes reveal insensitivity at a greater level than most men.  This post is based on my personal experiences with my Honey.